Cheesy As 1,2,3

A Manifesto in Three Parts               
                                                                                           Part Two

According to Zagat, Austinites eat out an average of 3.5 meals per week, which sounds pretty low to me. 3.7 times at a taco shack,  3.2 times at trailer, 3.1 times at a bona fide sit-on-down-and-order restaurant, more likely. Whether it's three or nine times, it seems that vegetarians have the same three dishes to choose from, week after week. How long before we get discouraged and quit going out? You do the math, I'm too hungry.


                                                           The Vegetable Triumvirate 
 

                                                                                I

If I can't find a menu online I'll call a restaurant I haven't visited before to ask about their vegetarian options. Here's how that goes: "Um, well, we have salads?" So I ask, "And do any of your salads not have meat in them?" "Uh, yeah! There's a no, um, no. Oh, there's a side salad?"


                                                                               II

Beyond that, I may be offered a plate of zucchini and squash with a portobello mushroom. Firstly, zucchini is squash so don't try to make them sound like two distinct, special things. Summer Squash must have a half-life, as ubiquitous as it is. Few people yearn for it or want to eat it more than a few times a year, forget three times a week.

Nextly, three damp, smushy lumps on a plate?  My companion is enjoying roasted wild salmon with a candied satsuma wasabi glaze and kaffir lime pistachio parsnip puree with juniper-braised fiddleheads. My meal is a scolding. I feel like Cinderella, way before the improbable Prince and impossible pumps. I could inquire about every ingredient in the side dishes, and if it doesn’t offend the Chef, pluck a little of this from one entree, and that from another (but without the prosciutto) and try to assemble a little solitary potluck supper. And so everyone at the table is bringing up When Harry Met Sally, again. It gets funnier every time!

                                                                              III

Veggie Royale at Bouldin Creek Cafe

And then there's the pervasive Veggie Burger, or as I call it, bread on a bun. Or gummy paste on a bun. I will eat the daylights out of Bouldin Creek Cafe's hearty, savory, nourishing, enchanting Veggie Royale but lots of the others are boring; a rubbery slab or sticky blob. They feel like a prepackaged frozen afterthought. A meager concession.


                                                                             (IV)

Ok, there is a fourth category I encounter, brought to you by the Dairy Lobby, in which the vegetarian choice is the most bloated, unhealthy, greazy dish on the menu.

Four cheese tortellini in a rich cream sauce. Four cheese ravioli in a rich tomato cream sauce, four cheese lasagna, cheese enchiladas, cheese quesadillas, you get the idea. This is such an obvious attempt to kill us off I hesitate to honor the plot with the mention.

Next,

 I'll talk about why it makes good business sense for restaurants to step up their game.